Behind blue eyes
by Katharen Silver
Summary: It was the best tribute I could give, and I know she would have loved it." This is going to be a sereis of one-shots where Sam reflects about her team, friends, and family. Starting with Janet Frasier. Please R&R but most of all enjoy.
1. A Tribute

Chapter one: A Tribute

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A/N: I watched Heroes part I and II and somewhere in the middle of crying (as always when I watch these two very evil episodes) I had a sudden inspiration for a series of short one-shots. Each one will be Samantha Carter's reflection on a member of her team/ friends. The first is for Janet, because I will never understand why they killed of such a wonderful character.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate or any of its characters because if I did I wouldn't cry every time I watched the two Heroes episodes.

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A list of names, names of the people she had saved and the ones that would never forget her.

It was the best tribute I could give, and I knew Janet would approve. She would have tried not to cry, but her eyes would have brimmed over even as she blushed, listening to how much we all loved her.

Janet.

She was my best friend. To stubborn, to strong, infinitely loving and compassionate, Janet. She wasn't supposed to be the one who died.

A list of names, not my idea, but Teal'cs. He knew the words I needed even though I didn't know how to say how exactly wonderful she was, and how much it would hurt later knowing she was gone.

Standing on the podium reciting each name slowly, I know somehow she can hear it. If she were here she would smile, and say it was her job, and would never have accepted that it meant much more to all of us.

Unless I was off world Janet always made me go out with her on Saturday nights.

"Just one night a week Sam," she would say laughing. "Just one night that we don't have to be one of the boys."

She would wink and I would get a flash of memory of Hathor very underdressed at parading around the base with all the men chasing after her. Of over powering our own people, and trying not to laugh at myself for some how ending up in a women behind bars movie.

I would argue and insist I had work to do, but she would insist and eventually I'd give in.

It never seemed to matter what we did. A movie, dinner, or even just coffee at the local café, it was always something. Sometimes it amazed me that she could enjoy something so simple as if it were an amazing feat.

"It is amazing," she told me. "We get the chance to be normal. Even if it's just for an hour."

I never realized she was right until there were no more late Saturday nights. No more movies, no dinner, no sipping coffee and joking about every little thing or nothing at all.

I didn't realize she was my best friend until I stood alone on the podium reading a list of names. It was the best tribute I could give and I know she would have loved it.


	2. A Promise

Chapter two: A Promise

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A/N: I realize I'm kind of talking to myself here, but I don't really care. As always if you want let me know what you think…there's this little green button at the bottom…press it to review. If not oh well.

This one is a promise so three guesses who it's for…no not Jack LOL although that is who I thought of first when I started it. This is for Daniel who has always sort of been the odd man out and yet has always kept the team as balanced as they can be.

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I tell him I'm fine, in a hundred ways, with a thousand smiles, and I know he doesn't believe me. He lets me lie, because although he knows me he doesn't understand.

I shouldn't be attached.

He stares at me confusion dancing in his eyes. Why? Why so cold, always cold, like the arctic storms we lived through. Why always distant?

Sometimes I forget he isn't military. That he isn't restricted the way I am, the way I choose to be, how I have to be.

He is the balance of our team. The odd man out that always reminds me there is something human in me after all.

We are the soldiers, Teal'c, Jack, and I, but he knows. Daniel knows what we forget and he is there to hold us up when we fall. He is what keeps us human when we start to forget. If we are the soldiers then he is the peace maker, and our strength.

I have to be the soldier now, she is a child, and I am a soldier, and he doesn't understand why. Truthfully neither do I. Somewhere along this game I forgot, forgot that I was the soldier and he was the peacemaker and that she is just a child that I can't protect.

I tell him I'm fine and he lets me. Almost. He wants me to remember. Afraid of what I'll be when I forget.

Years. Its been years. We survive I'll never know how. We lose, we win, we cry and die and yet we survive. Then we leave, they leave, I leave and we forget. If we ever knew.

Atlantis, here then gone. I come home, and suddenly I'm alone. SG1 is gone, we've scattered to the wind. How did we come to this? I don't know I don't remember. It's been to long, and then he comes.

He tells me my eyes are colder, but I smile like it isn't true.

A new SG1, we are still missing one, suddenly we've gained two, but it's not the same.

Daniel stops me, he wants me to remember, wants to restore the balance. For a moment I wonder if he can, even though I know he can't.

Our peace maker. Our reminder, reminder that whatever we do we are still human, we are still good. It's what has always kept us from being them.

Don't forget he tells me. You're human. You feel things, don't forget.

I tell him I know, and that I won't. I lie and he lets me.

We both know it's already a broken promise.

Our peace maker. Our balance. Our reminder, he finally understands. There is no peace in war. He is a soldier now we've made him into us. One day I'll grieve it, maybe if one day I can feel it. There is no balance, no peace, and reminder.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are cold, I'm sorry the peace you sought is gone. I'm sorry we are soldiers and that we forgot what made us this way. That even if we remember all we'll have is something left to grieve. I'm sorry there's no one here to remember.


	3. A Gift

Chapter three: A gift

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A/N: I didn't originally intend for these to be so angst but I guess they are all coming out that way. So am I the only one that noticed how distant SG1 was when they first came back together…Yes? No? Oh well this very well maybe the effects of an over active imagination, and the product of writing an angst chapter fic, but hey it works.

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Here and gone. Divided they didn't know it was our own doing, our fault. You didn't know what you had done. We were divided but you didn't know why. Didn't know harsh words, old pains, anger, and love that turned into hate.

SG1 was gone, we chose it, and we did it. Hatefully things. We hurt ourselves, and never even said good bye. You didn't know, no one did.

Slowly you forced it. Cameron I wished you'd forget it but you wouldn't let it go. Slowly weaved it, I was so sure it would break, but you sowed it and slowly it came. Teal'c, Daniel, me, it was almost whole.

How did you do this? How did you fix what we destroyed? Harsh words left behind, not forgotten, but not here, not now. Anger and tears but no hate, just pain. How did you fix what shattered around us.

It's a gift, you said it with a smile, and it was innocent enough. Yet you didn't meet our eyes. SG1 was special, it still is.

Anger, tears, pain. Did you know, I thought not, but maybe I was blind.

A gift, a second chance to fix the things we did wrong.

You don't ask but I wait. Surly you will, but you don't. They wait I know them, even now. We wait but you don't ask. Why? Do you already know? Are you afraid of what we'll say?

Months, lifetimes, loss, remember. We remember. How did it come to this?

You were right it was a gift. A second chance. It's not whole, not fixed, but there's no more hate, no more tears. We mended broken bridges that lead to broken hearts.

Thank you. It was a gift, and I wonder if you knew Cameron. The gift was in someone who hadn't given up.


	4. A Whisper

Chapter four: A whisper

A/N: Okay so this is a throw back to _Paradise Lost_. That in itself is a warning yes I know these are all angst. I really didn't mean for them to be, it just sort of happened. I'm not even sure why. Oh well this one is for Teal'c, and in an AU sort of way an add on to his conversation with Sam in the locker rooms after they are told that O'Neil isn't anywhere on the planet.

I should have known better, that this pain was coming again. Your not suppose to love them, it's a warning written plainly in the blood of those we lost. Yet here I sit in the dark, and I'm weeping for the ones we lost, the ones I never should have loved, and yet even in that I failed.

I don't know how you knew I was there. The lights were off, and I had said my goodbyes. Yet here you are in the shadows of the locker room. Daniel is gone, now so is Jack. I say I don't know what to do, and you wrap your arms around me.

I never expected comfort not from you. I know you care but I wasn't prepared for this. My tears hit again suddenly surprising us both, but you never pull away.

For a moment I wonder is your heart aching too, is it being ripped up even though you should no better, we both should, but here in the dark we both know we have failed. We loved them as we shouldn't have, we need them but we can't have them back.

Finally my last tears fall, and the world comes back into focus. You're still there, waiting for me patiently, I wish I could tell you how grateful I am, but I don't know how to say it.

I'm tiered of loosing people, I confess into the darkness, and your hold on me tightens.

You wait I'm not sure for what until I look up and meet your eyes. There is light dancing behind them, and a wisdom that I recognize. It isn't quite a smile, but it's a whisper just the same, "we'll never lose them."

You're words echo through my mind, and I can't believe their real.

A screaming siren interrupts our names are being paged, our moment to be human's over. They need us, and we'll go.

Yet even now years later, I can still here his soft echo, a simple whisper in the dark. Friendship never ends in loss.


	5. A Secret

Chapter five: A secret

A/N: I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that was excited to see Vala appear in SG1. Not only because of her entertaining relationship with Daniel but because suddenly Sam isn't the only girl, which had so much potential. This is a flash back to _Family Ties_ episode where Sam and Vala go shopping and spend some girl time together, right before Vala's dad shows up. Seriously who hasn't wondered what they talked about?

It's rare for me to be able to act like a girl, not because I can't or don't want to, but because in my world I don't get to, and neither does she.

We live, fight, survive in a world dominated by men, in many ways I have always considered her stronger than me. She lets herself be a woman even if it is a twisted version of the truth.

"Let's go shopping!" She announced waltzing into my lab.

It was a very near miss that spared my work station from the coffee I almost sprayed across it.

I'm not sure I will ever understand how she did it, or how I let her, but two hours later we were sitting drinking Starbucks with several bags filled with clothes from various stores.

We laugh, and joke, and at some point it's not a game its real. I'm not sure when I'm not sure how, but somewhere we see each other for the first time, and neither one knows what to say.

We both have our own wounds, our secrets that we still keep, but there is a sense of reflection when I smile, when she smiles, and we finally see.

We live, we fight, we survive, and we carry the scars the world gave us, and move on because the alternative isn't one that either of us is willing to except. It means they win, the world, the scars, and the men that left them there. We are always strong in our own ways, but neither of are immune to the memories.

I see it in your eyes when you realize it's your father, and it must reflect in my eyes when you meet mine. You won't let them see it, but I already have, and I'll keep it. He broke your heart, and will every time he tries.

The secret glitters in your eyes, even as you turn away, but don't worry I'll keep it, just as you keep mine.


	6. A Memory

Chapter six: A memory

A/N: This is my sixth and last one…So naturally it is for Jack. I have always whished that there was some sort of closure between the two of them. I really wanted them together but I would have excepted something else, but I was/am not happy with the not knowing. Maybe they will deal with Sam and Jack in one of the movies they promised us…We will see.

It feels like I am floating, lost within my dreams, but I don't dare blink in case it disappears, because it's not a dream, it's just a memory.

You will cause me trouble I know it from the start, before Danielle, and Teal'c, before we ever knew. That first day, I knew, you would cause me trouble, you would be a pain, and we would never be friends.

The world is freezing and it wants to consume us, I promise you it won't, and you just smile and nod, I know that you don't believe me, neither do I, and soon you are the one telling me it will be alright. Yet the world is icy and bare and your hurt and you don't dare tell me. I'm a soldier and I don't cry, but you're too cold, and I can't get us out. In the haze of unconsciousness I ask myself what I wouldn't dare to otherwise. How did it move from attraction to this? When did I start to love you?

We are stuck thirty years in the past and we may never get home, but part of me hopes we never do. There is no SGC here, no rules, here there is a chance, for this, for us, and for a future we will never have. I know that we can never be just friends.

My heart feels like its being ripped out seeing you with her, even though its me, she lets herself love you, and in her reality she can, but I can't love you here, and the ring that's on her finger will never be on mine. I try not to hate her, and I guess she understands because standing in my lab she stops and smiles.

"He loves you," she tells me, and I pray the words are true, but this isn't her reality, and I can't love you the way that she loved him, but I know we will never just be friends.

They say you were gone one hundred days, but it felt like a hundred life times. You started a life there I can see it in your eyes, in her eyes. I want to scream or cry, or tell you that I missed you, but I don't say a word. I let you say your goodbyes pretending my heart doesn't ache when you look at her that way.

I always wondered, but never knew. You weren't supposed to love me, no matter how much I wished you would. Yet I saw it, you wouldn't leave, even when I begged. How much harder can it be, knowing that you love me, but still staying away?

They think that we are dangerous, and at first so did I. If I wasn't so drugged up I'd cry the moment I realized what we'd done. Janet didn't understand, she didn't understand that we had lied, you and I. We know we need to keep our secrets but our secrets have made us look like the enemy. Neither of us say it not the words the other needs. Then when its over we ignore it, as if wasn't anything more than the weather.

But damn it, this is us, you and me, and hearts are on the line. You love me, and I love you and we both know it, but even now it doesn't matter. Can you see my heart breaking before you? I hope you don't see the tears. I know the words are true, and it makes it that much harder to say I don't love you, because we will never just be friends.

Danielle's gone, now so are you; I swear that part of me is dying inside. They all think you're gone, but I can't accept that. Not now, it hurts to much, I lie to myself and say its too soon after Danielle, but for you it will always be to soon.

I tell myself it wasn't real, I try and make myself forget, but in my head I see it over and over again. I know it wasn't real, but I taste your lips on mine, and feel your arms around me. I shout, I scream, I beg it to leave me be, but I can't stop your heart beating next to me.

You tell me it's the head injury and we both let you lie, but something in your voice, reflects what's in my eyes. How long can we keep doing this, keep playing this same game, how long will no one notice that our feelings are the same? How can we say we are just friends?

Janet's gone, and I thought I'd lost you to. I can't stop the tears and you pull me into your arms, we will think about it later, and realize that even just a simple hug is never only that, but I need you close, and you keep me there. You were almost gone, and I realized I can't keep doing this with you. Its going to kill me, it's going to kill you, and yet there is nothing that either of us can do. We have to be just friends.

You stare at me eyes frozen in place, please don't let it end this way, I can't lose you to this place. Danielle whispers comfort, Teal'c won't leave my side, and I thought we kept our secrets, but now I know they know. They know I love you they know I need you, and they know my heart is breaking here without you. The Asgard can help you, they'll save you, but my heart won't listen to my head. It never does.

I tried to live without you, I tried to love him the way I love you, but he doesn't make me feel the way you do. Now my dad is gone, and I've sent Pete away, and all I want is you here with me to make these tears go away. But I'm here and your there and that's the way they say its suppose to be, and I'm not sure I care any more, I don't want to play their games and lie and say, we're nothing more than friends.

No one is surprised when they take you away, they need you in Washington, they want me on a ship, and the others to the winds. Sg1 is leaving and suddenly my heart is aching. We know this might be our last chance, but the words never come, we leave it with a hug and pretend that's all this ever was, nether of us believe it, but it's the way it has to be.

We can never be just friends, but they won't let us be anymore. So now I know all you can ever be to me is a memory.


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